A TRIBUTE
TO RED BUTTONS
By Leonardo
Ciampa
Page created 8 November 2006
Last updated 8 February 2007
I was one of millions of fans who were deeply saddened to learn of
the death of Red Buttons a few months ago. His "Never Got a Dinner!" skit was one of the
bright spots of my childhood. Yet,
after searching the Web several times, I could not find even one website
dedicated to Red’s best lines.
This, for one of the kings of one-liners! Therefore, I decided to start this page, with the sincerest hope
that you will all write in to me with your favorite Red Button lines.
* Abraham Lincoln, who said, "A
house divided ... is a condominium."
Never got a dinner!
* George Washington, who said to his
father, "Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become
President?" Never got a
dinner!
* Cain, whose wife divorced him
because he wasn't Able. Never got a dinner!
* Ben Hur, who said to his sister
Ben Him, "We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben
Gay!" Never got a dinner!
* Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was
burning requested Nero to play "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me,
Lucille." Never got a dinner!
* Nero’s wife Shirley, who said to Nero,
"Idiot! Fiddle on the roof; you'll make a fortune!" Never got a
dinner!
* Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen
Isabella, "No, you got it wrong!
The WORLD is round. YOU're
flat!" Never got a dinner!
* Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy
Davis, Jr., "That’s funny, to me you only look half Jewish."
* Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to
CBS.
* Old McDonald, who said on his
honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!" Never got a dinner!
* Simon Peter, who embarrassed the
other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a
dinner!
* Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath,
"Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never
got a dinner!
* Moses, who said to the
Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!
* Moses, who said to the
children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick
before." Never got a dinner!
* Moses, who said when the Red
Sea parted, "What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip!"Never got a
dinner!
* Moses, who said when he came
out of Mount Sinai, "The food in that hospital is terrible!" Never
got a dinner!
* Flash Gordon, who said, "No,
that’s not how I got my name." Never got a dinner!
* Lot, who said to his wife
as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Salt we got plenty. Coffee we need." Never
got a dinner!
* Lot, who said to his wife
as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Stop shaking!" Never
got a dinner!
* James Cagney, who said to Mickey
Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!
* J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been
buried — they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!
* The captain of the Titanic, who said to room
service, "Who sent for all this ice?" Never got a dinner!
* Attila the Hun, who said, " Sure,
I pillage; it’s a living." Never got a dinner!
* Harpo Marx, who once said,
"
." And those words are
as true today as when he first didn't speak them. Never got a dinner!
* Adam, who said to our Lord
in the Garden of Eden, "I got more ribs — you got more broads?"
Never got a dinner!
* Adam, who said to George
Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?" Never got a dinner!
* Adam, who said to Eve,
"What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!
* Eve, who asked Adam,
"Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but
never got a dinner.)
* Eve, who said to the
serpent, "I could go for a little nosh but I don't know you from
Adam." Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
* Eve, who said to Adam,
"What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a
dinner!
(Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
* Orville Wright, who said to his
brother Will, "We're only in the air twelve seconds; how the hell did our
luggage get to Cleveland?" Never got a dinner!
* The Hunchback of
Notre-Dame,
who said, "This isn't a hump. I ate a canteloupe and it backed up on
me." Never got a dinner!
* The Hunchback of
Notre-Dame,
who said to his tailor Irving, "Forget the slacks — please work on the
blazer!" Never got a
dinner!
* Dracula, who said while they
drove a wooden stake into his heart, "Boy, I sure hope this is
heartburn." Never got a dinner!
* An Orthodox Jewish
vampire,
who was so Kosher that he wouldn't suck a neck unless it was salted first. Never
got a dinner!
* William Tell’s son
... Telly ...,
who
said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head,
"There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms." Never got a
dinner!
* Alexander the Great, who said on his
wedding night, "It’s only a nickname." Never got a dinner!
* George W. Bush, who said to Pope John
Paul II, "Give us a visit, and bring the missus." Never got a
dinner!
* Stan Musial, who said,
"Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal." Never got a
dinner!
* Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate
New York. Never got a dinner!
* John Wilkes Booth, who said, "Sorry,
I thought he was a critic." Never got a dinner!
* Gary Hart, who said, "She
didn't sit on my yacht; she sat on my DINGHY!" Never got a dinner!
* Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see
Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!
* Dr. Spock, who said, "Never
raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never
got a dinner!
* Bluebeard, who said to Scottland
Yard, "How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an
accountant!" Never got a dinner!
* Jack the Ripper’s
mother,
who said to Jack, "How come I never see you with the same girl twice?
" Never got a dinner!
* King Henry VIII, who said to his
lawyer, "Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. " Never got a
dinner!
* Ray Charles, who said to Stevie
Wonder, "Maybe we're white." Never got a dinner!
* King Soloman, who said to his
thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?" Never got a dinner!
* The Invisible Man, who said to his wife,
"I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop!" Never got a dinner!
* Aladdin, who said to his wife,
"I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!
* Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a
halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a
dinner!
* Venus de Milo’s
mother,
who once said to Venus, "You never call me. Can’t you pick up a
phone?" Never got a dinner!
* Donald Trump’s mother, who said,
"Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber’s chair! " Never
got a dinner!
* Noah’s wife, who said to him after
40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the
floor!" Never got a dinner!
* Noah’s wife, who said to Noah,
"Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!
* Orson Welles, who said to Anita
Bryant, "Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian." Never got a
dinner!
* John Travolta, who said, "My
Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash." Never
got a dinner!
* Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor,
"Are you sure
it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!
* Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs.
Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!
* Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton,
"Why do you need an airbag?" Never got a
dinner!
* Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of
the movies, who said, "I owe it all to one great part." Never got
a dinner!
* Alexander Graham
Bell’s wife,
who said to Alex on their wedding night, "Your three minutes are up."
Never got a dinner!
* Joe Torre, who switched to first
base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never
got a dinner!
* Dean Martin’s
great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, "I see the
cotton, but where’s the gin?" Never got a dinner!
* Dean Martin’s
pancreas,
who overheard his liver singing "I Got a Right to Sing the Blues." Never
got a dinner!
* Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked
her, "Is all that for me?" Never got a dinner!
* The Puerto Rican
doctor,
who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!
* Pope John Paul II’s
press secretary,
who said, "See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back!" Never
got a dinner!
* Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry
Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!
* Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius,
"We are NOT naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!
* Joseph Cotten, who said, "You
know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a
dinner!
* Nostradamus, who PREDICTED he would
never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!
* Nostradamus, who predicted that
Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!
* Gandhi, who went to Wendy’s
and asked, "Where’s the belief?" Never got a dinner!
* Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not
now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
* Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her
husband Claus on their honeymoon, "Stop needling me." Never got a
dinner!
* Henry Ford, who despite his
immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
* Billy Carter, who asked his brother
Jimmy, "Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show?" Never got
a dinner!
* Ponce de Leon, who said when he
discovered the Fountain of Youth, "Where the hell are the paper
cups?" Never got a dinner!
* Peter Minuet, who said to the
Indians in modern-day Manhattan, "Will you accept a check from a Puerto
Rican bank?" Never got a dinner!
* Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben,
"You're a credit to your rice." Never got a dinner!
* King Solomon, who said to his
thousand wives, "Who doesn't have a headache tonight?" Never got a
dinner!
* King Solomon, who said to his
thousand wives, "For better service, take a number." Never got a
dinner!
* Amelia Earhart, who said, "Stop
looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! "Never got a dinner!
* Steven Spielberg’s
mother,
who said to E.T., "I don't care where you're from, youà#146;re here and
you're gonna get bar mitzvahed!" Never got a dinner!
* The doctor who
delivered Mr. T,
who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!
* Michelangelo’s
girlfriend,
who said to Angelo, "Forget the paint – let’s put a mirror on the ceiling." Never
got a dinner!
* Saint Christopher, who said, "Where
can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
* Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on
their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got
a dinner!
* Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to
apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!
* Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince
Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a
dinner!
* Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't
shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!
* Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester
Maddox, "Guess who’s not coming to dinner?" Never got a dinner!
* Marie-Antoinette, who said to Louis,
"Not tonight – this is my last headache." Never got a
dinner!
* Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, "If the shoe fits ..." Never got a
dinner!
* E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller,
"You look weird." Never got a
dinner!
* Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau,
"Can we talk?" Never got a
dinner!
* Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook,
"For God sakes, don't scratch it!" Never got a
dinner!
* Joanne Carson, who said to Johnny,
"Not so fast: what about the loose change in your pockets?" Never got a
dinner!
* Rip Van Winkle, who said,
"Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a
dinner!
* Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint,
"Do it Any Which Way You Can, but no Sudden Impact." Never got a
dinner!
* Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman,
"I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a
dinner!
* Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a
dinner!
* The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said "Can't work today. Have American flu." Never got a
dinner!
* Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, "I will not live in a house with a Little John." Never got a
dinner!
Here are some notable Red Buttons
quotations:
* "Sure, I've gotten
old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than
a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel
my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I
still have my Florida driver’s license!" (Source: Vanity Fair, March
2003)
* "Where else but in
America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white
woman?" (Source: Vanity Fair, March 2003)
Is your favorite Red Buttons line
not here? Send it in to NeverGotADinner@mail.com
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